🌼  Never Gained

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I never gained anything * * *

by participating in the rat race in *

our highly modern society. I merely 

lost what was left of me; shattered in 

pieces, trying to have it all, do it all *

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and be it all. I did everything

in my power to strive for *

perfection and its * * *

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shiny trophy *

* simultaneously. 

And boy I executed, *

* I ran the marathon, I 

scored one trophee after 

* another & I ran as fast as 

I possibly could. Walking 

was a pace I was very *

unfamiliar with. * *

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I beat the crap out of my peers. I reveled. *

But I was in no state of coming close to being 

happy. Not one single time. Instead I, slowly but 

slowly learned that achievement is superior to our 

well-being. With this being said, I lost my orientation, 

meaning and cause in life. All I ever did was chase the *

forgotten days where inglorious bastards sucked the soul 

out of my delicate human body. They suck the souls out of 

our bodies and beings in this impure society. I was more * *

or less a highly relevant brick in the rat race, a rat, a race that 

* was only meant to fail, (or to prevail even), to see the worth 

* of me, my potential to grow and capacity to heal & forgive. *

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However, I was fortunate enough to stop and decide whether * *

I should live or die. It all came down to primal instincts & a sense 

of survival mode. I was in a devastating downward spiral with

* two options at hand; to either sink or swim.I decided, there *

and then, to swim. In other words, I chose life & life chose me. 

It came in handy. The result was flabbergasting, in which * *

I, more or less, stopped competing in the, to me, rather *

silly & vain game called outstanding Curriculum * *

Vitae and other vain, mortal, buried * * * * *

* * * * * & bruised businesses. * * * * *

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Nonetheless, 

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I still to this day, am not sure whether I am viewed as a winner  *

or loser because of this (my!) significant and rather drastic exit from the rat race. I guess that it all depends on who you ask and at what stage that person is in life. In the eyes of a constantly well-oiled-society, check lists, expectations & demands on sheer perfection in every field possible and, above all, simultaneously; (work place, private life, hobbies, activities, communities, being the good girl in it all); I am most definitely not up to speed. This very fact & notion gives me a rather disadvantage, sad to say & sad to admit. Not to mention the fake eyelashes, fake lips, fake booty, fake nails we seem to tend to rather than tending to our senses. Here is where I fail tremendously. Hugely devastating since I am unable to walk properly in high heels or wear red lipstick without getting it all smothered all over my face, teeth or the * * * * * * * * * * * fancy clothes I wear to hide all my insecurities. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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But in the eye of the 

wellbeing & such, I know for a

fact that I have gained. I have gained 

momentum. I have gained in strength. I *

have retaken the power of my own life. How I 

should live it. With whom I should live. Whereever 

I should live. However, I should live it. And I, finally, 

* * * * know who I am. Why I am. What I am. * * * *

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Where I am. I am in the *

* stage of re-discovering my joys. *

My pleasures. My needs. My mood swings.

* My favorite colors. My vulnerabilities. My *

fears. My seasons. My tides. My waves.  My

dries. My highs. My lows. My virtuosos.

* * * My addictive tendencies. * * *

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* * * * * * And everything else that has to * * * * *

*  to with the human BEING  * * & not the human DOING.    *

* Please do note the difference. * That is being real, being authentic, 

being true to my core values, spending time and dwelling on things that *

* make me happy & content. To do whatever it is that makes my heart *

skip a beat or two my & my soul dance in the moonlight never wanting

the silent music in a deaf society to slowly evaporate. This includes *

anyone or everyone who is not willing to listen carefully enough to

the beat of its own melody. To their own heart melody. My inner

* child keeps appearing and wants more than ever to come out 

and play with me and my creative self. She wants to play all day 

long. Every single day. And all these rediscovering counts for

* something, at least, to me anyway. And I have to tell you *

about all these treasures I stumbled upon whilst slowly 

but determined leaving the rat race. This time for 

good. For. Good. With the desire of human–

* * * kind to do exactly the same. * * *

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* * Now you tell me, if I am the winner or the loser. * *

You tell me. You tell me again and again and I shall listen *

intently to what you have to say. Maybe, we can sit down 

by the porch where you and I used to sit side by side when 

we were kids, constantly looking at each other, grinning 

with lost teeth and all. With a wide gap in the mouth for 

the other teeth soon to be visible. And we will sit there 

again, by the porch, and talk about all the times we 

shared our dreams and put them carefully and *

tenderly in a drawer made of wood with the 

most gorgeous imprints. Imprints that *

* last several lifetimes to come. And, *

* hopefully and dutifully, we * *

* conquered the world with our 

* * * dreams, visions & * *

* * * * ambitions * * * *

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* with all our *

strengths and all that 

* we could muster and *

master. And when we take *

our last breath here on Mother 

* * Earth, sighing gracefully and

giving thanks to what life brought 

us and what we brought to life as 

opposed to waging a war with the 

world where vanity got lost in its 

hurry & scurry to win the biggest 

trophée yet building castles with 

* fences, defenses to serve *

* wretched souls serving *

toxicity for breakfast, 

* * supper and *

* * dinner. *

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